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Coach Sappho®
Lesbian America’s Love Coach(tm)
http://www.coachsappho.com
352-347-3577
866-396-BARB toll free
email Barb Elgin
Many of the single lesbians here at Coach Sappho are in their 50′s. Of those, many are in their early 50′s. A couple of the recurrent questions these women ask themselves include…
These are legitimate questions, in my opinion. Afterall, most of these women aren’t new to love, indeed they are ‘seasoned’ lovers, veterans in the area of relationships, of loves lost, due to divorce, illness or death, unhappiness, infidelity, being rejected, etc.
Why should they go through the trouble of loving (and risking losing that love) again?
So, in response to the first question
Am I too old to find love again?
I hear alot of other thoughts under that thought, such as…
What can you add that I haven’t thought of here?
Single or coupled we need to prepare for tomorrow
Aging well is a big issue for the lesbian community, as it is for everyone. Because we are a minority group and because we aren’t fully validated throughout our culture, we share some unique challenges at midlife and beyond.Â
Many of us don’t have children. Children can be a great source of support or focus for us. When we don’t have children, we must find other ways to build our social network, or we risk isolation.Â
Even if we have children, they grow up and leave us, or, at a minimum, for most of us the relationship we have with our children changes or lessens in intensity and time commitment. So gay parents too aren’t immune to loneliness or isolation.
Just remember too that there are so many other ways to be ‘generative’ whether you are single or in a relationship. Remember the great Oprah, who never had children but says that’s because she was meant to ‘give birth to’ other great creations such as that school she’s built in Africa and the impact she’s had on the world through her television show.
However, even Oprah will find herself realizing one day that it’s time to do something different. You know she’s preparing for her tomorrows.
I also like the story of Cal Ripken, Jr., who hails from my home state (Maryland). He prepared too, for the transition from his playing days to ‘what next’. If you don’t know what he’s been up to now be sure to Google him and find out! While I’m sure Cal mourned when he realized his playing days were ending, he’s discovered there IS life after prime time!
We need to take care of ourselves and prepare for the future, even as we handle the challenges of today.Â
Challenges of being gay and gray
If family members are lukewarm about us, or don’t treat us as equal to our straight or married siblings and family members, we tend to not share as much about our lives with them and this can come at a cost. When we don’t ‘integrate’ our true selves into the family fabric, we are likely to be more distant from them. And that means we don’t get to experience family support, a critical piece of health and wellness for most of us.
Some of us still carry around shame about who we are and thus, we may have convinced ourselves it’s our families who aren’t as accepting of us as they ought to be, when, in reality, they would be, if we would be ourselves with them more often and, give them a chance.
Add to these factors the likelihood that, as you age, you will experience loss and change, personally and professionally. Some of these events you will experience as large, including major job or career changes, financial stresses, or problems in your relationship which can run the range from minor to major (for example the ending of a relationship or death or illness of yourself or a partner). Unless you find ways to be resilient, you may experience significant stress.
The value of aging well, whether you are single or in a relationship
Whether you are single or in a relationship, you have a great deal of control over how healthy your midlife (and beyond) years will be. For example, you can often prevent a disease process from starting by your behavioral choices, even if you have a strong predisposition for a disease.
And, even if you have a disease, such as diabetes, an auto-immune disorder, cancer or heart disease, often you have more control than you realize over the progression of that disease (or how you live with that disease) and thus, the quality of your life.
If you are single and don’t know yet if you definitely want to find a life partner, that’s okay. You can have an amazing life right now, just as you are. If you choose to…afterall, there ARE many plusses to this time in life. Aren’t there? And, we need to identify and talk more about these positives, don’t we?
If you are single and you want a life partner but doubt whether it’s too late for such an experience in your life, let’s talk about that too. Perhaps now you are mature in a whole new way that will benefit you as you go about finding a life partner.
So, if you are afraid of ‘loving and losing’ again, let’s talk about that too, because I firmly believe (and I know you feel it in your gut too) that it is ‘better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all’, at any age…
You have greater wisdom about who you are and what you want than you did at 20, I can assure you! This is a CRITICAL strength that you would bring to your relationship.Â
Also – keep in mind what the research is showing: happily married couples (gay or straight) are healthier – on many levels (financial, health, career, etc.). Now, I tell you this not to depress you, since you are currently single, but to give you hope that it IS worth looking for love again. And, that being single is not a state for most of us that is sustainable in a healthy way.
Now, don’t go and get married or ‘fall into’ a relationship just because being single might not be healthy. People in unhappy relationships are no better off than happy or unhappy singles. In fact, you are better off staying single, working to make your single status a thing you are happy about and ‘hold off’ getting into a committed relationship until you find a partner you CAN build a happy partnership with!
When I say committed, I mean an exclusive, monogamous relationship, and preferably one where you’ve made some sort of formal, legal commitment to one another. Just because you are consciously choosing to remain single, that doesn’t mean you can’t recreationally date. I define recreational dating as dating to have fun without ties or promises. Recreational dating must be done with both people’s agreement that this is the type of dating you are doing.
The key is a better attitude about getting older
Feeling good about no longer being young is so much of this, I assure you. Our society is starting to come around on this one, but most of us still carry unhealthy attitudes about older people. And, society does still judge men and women differently, in many ways, when it comes to aging.
For example, what is ‘old’ anymore, anyway? Most women can expect to live a healthy 80-85 years now. That means if you are 50, you still have at least a third of your life left to live! Why would you waste all of that time being hesitant to ‘love again’? And, given advances in medicine, many or most of those remaining years can be quite full of life, health and great moments, for both you and the woman of your dreams! The alternative is a happy single life or an unhappy one. YOUR CHOICE…really!
Most of us have LOTS left to experience, create, and give.
Much, much more to come on this issue, I’m sure…
Have a wonderful Tuesday!
Barb
I just heard that the first FEDERAL law protecting GLBT citizens may have a good shot at passage. But let’s not take anything for granted. ENDA or, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, a federal bill that would make it illegal to fire, refuse to hire, or refuse to promote employees simply based on sexual orientation or gender identity is expected to be voted on any day now.
Be sure to do whatever you can to help ENDA pass.
We need everyone – GLBT and allies – to stand up and let the powers that be know that it’s not okay to discriminate on the job against GLBT workers. If you don’t believe protection against discrimination based on sexual and/or gender identity is needed, click here to hear and read the stories of GLBT’s who have been fired from their jobs, solely because the employer found out he or she was GLBT.
And, all of us who are GLBT know how having to feel we need to hide who we are to be safe at work takes away from our ability to perform our best. And, all of us know much discrimination happening against us that goes un-reported, including promotions that aren’t offered merely because a supervisor doesn’t like ‘gay people’.
Even Coach Sappho experienced prejudice and probably discrimination a law like ENDA could address! That’s right – several years ago – back in the days before I had enough pride to speak up, I myself left a corporate position due to a hostile work environment I didn’t feel empowered enough to fight. Let’s just say a supervisor and co-workers suspected I was gay and made me so uncomfortable on the job day-to-day that I eventually quit.
It’s well known through the many corporations who have similar protections at the corporate level and by the experiences of local and state agencies and organizations who don’t allow this sort of discrimination that the sky isn’t going to fall if this sort of legislation is passed.Â
In fact, ENDA helps business. ENDA helps the entire economy and society. Not having ENDA negatively impacts the health, happiness and welfare of all citizens and especially American GLBT’s.
Just like racism, sexism, religious persecution and other ‘isms’, sexual and gender orientation discrimination is just wrong. We claim to be a country that values justice. It’s time this nation stopped giving justice lip service and took action to become more just.
I’d like to thank you for placing your confidence in me by signing up! I look forward to working with you more closely and helping you ‘follow your bliss’ in life and in love.
If you have any questions, feel free to email me or call me at any time!
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW-C
Certified Singles Coach
352-347-3577
866-396-BARB toll free
I’d like to thank you for placing your confidence in me by signing up! I look forward to working with you more closely and helping you ‘follow your bliss’ in life and in love.
If you have any questions, feel free to email me or call me at any time!
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW-C
Certified Singles Coach
352-347-3577
866-396-BARB toll free
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I caught a real interesting real life story in the news this week I thought you might be interested in knowing about. It makes me understand why so many gay and lesbian couples have a hard time getting ahead financially, even though some would argue because so many of us don’t have children we come out ahead.
There’s a woman in Florida by the name of Joan Procito, who just moved there from Pennsylvania, where she lived for several years with her partner.
Procito is suing the State of Pennsylvania charging she should be eligible for unemployment compensation like the spouses of married couples who quit their job to follow their spouse to another state.
Like many married couples, Procito is arguing
she and Sheller shared an emotional as well as a financial bond: They lived together and raised children together, and they shared a bank account as well as real estate. They also named each other beneficiaries in their wills and life-insurance policies.
Procito, Eyer (her attorney) said yesterday, had compelling reasons to move to Florida. There was no way, for instance, that she could commute more than 1,100 miles to be with her partner.
And, according to her complaint, she acted as a stepmother to Sheller’s son – and needed to move in order to continue to provide the support he was used to from her.
This is a great example of the inequities of the current system. Civil Unions, if they had them in Pennsylvania, would still not meet the requirement of marriage in this case.
And, this is another example of how unfair it is for gay and lesbian couples from a financial standpoint. Add it up. I don’t know how much the average person on unemployment is entitled to; however, say it’s $250 a week. Now suppose the individual takes the maximum unemployment, which I believe is currently six months. That’s $6,500!
Sixty five hundred dollars!!! Now for some folks this doesn’t sound like a lot of money, however, I’d like to pull $6,500 out of a hat, wouldn’t you? That $6,500 could really help pay off the high interest credit cards that the average person might have to charge up to cover their bills while unemployed. And, what about someone who has very little credit or savings?Â
That’s what married straight individuals get when they simply quit their job to follow their spouse to their new job in another state. Now, I pay taxes just like my straight compadres and I am thinking about the hardship and obstacles Procito is facing when all that stands between her and her right to the same benefits her straight co-worker would get in her situation is marriage.
Not very fair, is it? And if people want to use the argument ‘most gay couples don’t have kids and don’t need the money’, married couples get the benefits, regardless of whether or not they have minor children!
Now officials at the Unemployment Board say that they can’t give benefits to an unmarried same sex couple when they can’t give them to an unmarried heterosexual couple. What a ‘catch 22′! Unmarried straight couples can get married, most gay couples can’t!
According to an article on the issue in the Philadelphia Inquirer:
Under Pennsylvania law, if people can show they have a necessary and compelling reason to leave their job, they could be eligible to collect unemployment benefits.
That law has been interpreted over the years to include people who voluntarily leave their jobs to follow their spouses to a new location. It is known as follow-the-spouse doctrine.
From the perspective of the state’s Unemployment Compensation Board of Review, which denied Procito unemployment last year, the case was fundamentally a simple one: Procito wasn’t married.
Procito’s attorney and officials with the ACLU report this sort of perhaps unfair ‘marital benefit’ may even be unfair from the standpoint that other types of family units depend on each other much like married couples. What do these folks do when their family unit goes to another state without them?
Okay, fine, the state might argue they couldn’t afford paying out to every type of family unit. Fine. But isn’t it an inequity to give individuals of one type of coupled union the benefit and not give it to another when the only difference is a piece of paper (and a piece of paper they desire but aren’t allowed to get)?
What do you think?
Here’s another troubling thought I just had on this issue:
To add insult to injury, think about this ‘double jeopardy’ that many gay people face when they become unemployed like Procito. I wonder what Procito is doing right now for health insurance? Now, if she and her partner were married, most likely she’d be able to jump onto her partner’s plan (oops, wrong – if she were married she’d probably already be on her partner’s employer plan)!
Most who become unemployed are entitled to COBRA benefits through their former employer, however, the cost is usually so high, the individual may not be able to afford it while unemployed. And, if that person has any pre-existing conditions, good luck! They won’t be able to get an individual policy or, if they can the premiums will be sky high!
Switch it around! What if Procito and her partner depended upon her employer’s health insurance plan. If they were straight, they’d go to the new state, the one partner would get unemployment compensation and the other would get a job AND get his/her partner on his/her new employee’s health plan.
Not so for Procito and her partner. Procito is left out in the cold! Again!
Click here to read the entire article.
Today’s post is short and to the point. In today’s post I’ll mention one very important anniversary and an upcoming fundraiser.
——————–
Today is the 6th anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s attacks on the United States and there are memorial celebrations going on at the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. and at the field in Pennsylvania where heroes like gay man Mark Bingham sent a third plane (Flight 93) headed for our nation’s capital crashing into the earth effectively preventing a third attack. Please take time today to take a moment to remember.
Also remember that the 3,000 killed aren’t the only victims. When I watch the ceremonies I note that many people are crying as if it happened yesterday. Family and friends of those killed are forever impacted.Â
Lastly, don’t forget the many rescuers and those who cleaned up the mess. Many are today now disabled from the damage to their lungs.
So if we really added up the ‘victims of 9/11′ (those pretty directly impacted), there are actually 10′s of thousands of victims.
Our elected officials need to do more to take care of these folks. I don’t know about you but I’d like to see my tax dollars (and theirs) go to them first before going anywhere else.
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Denise and Donna, my buds from The Lesbian Lounge internet radio show on G.I.R.L. (Gay Internet Radio Live) asked me to send out the following information on the G.I.R.L. AID fundraiser that is happening this weekend in the south Florida area. Even if you can’t attend live, there is a way to give:
Donna & Denise will be there- great music, good performers- it’s gonna be a great party–We’d love to have our girls there, too!
If you can’t attend– still buy a ticket, it will go as a donation to Care Resource!
We hope to see you there! – xoxo, Denise and Donna
THE PARTY BEGINS THIS FRIDAY
G.I.R.L. AID 2007, a first of its kind in Fort Lauderdale, will run thirty two (32) consecutive hours and showcase eleven (11) spectacular DJ?s at one of Fort Lauderdale?s newest clubs, UNCLE’S NIGHT CLUB – 1000 State Road 84, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33315 on Friday, September 14th @ 7:00PM thru Sunday, September 16th @ 3:00AM. The event will be simulcast live on Gay Internet Radio Live and as an added bonus to guests, Uncle?s backyard Bar-B-Q will be offered on Saturday.
General Weekend Admission: $15 Advance ($20 at the Door) includes access to full 32 hour event. Re-entry allowed during event times (original wristband must be in place and photo ID must be presented to receive re-entry, VIP upgrades available at door).
VIP Admission: $50 includes includes private VIP Lounge with Entertainment meet and greet. No waiting in line for re-entry (re-entry allowed during event times, original wristband must be in place and photo ID must be presented to receive re-entry)
NOTE: If you are unable to attend we ask that you consider supporting the effort by purchasing a ticket online. 100% of all ticket sales benefit Care Resource. Show your support and purchase a ticket today.
Ciao!
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
