Attraction and Love – 2 dating traps to watch out for…
Monday, March 27th, 2006You can subscribe to this blog’s feed so you automatically receive notice when there is a new post. Just click here to subscribe.
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I. Beware of the Attraction and Love Dating Traps if You Intend to Create the Relationship of Your Dreams
II. Spicy conversations happening on Heart-to-Heart, Barb Elgin’s relationship blog
III. WANT TO GIVE COACHING A TRY? Paula Gregorowicz’ drastically reduced ‘Spring Cleaning’ coaching sessions make it a no-brainer.
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I. Beware of the Attraction and Love Dating Traps if You Intend to Create the Relationship of Your Dreams
If you’ve attended one or more of Coach Sappho’s free* tele-discussions on ‘Discovering the Secrets to Attracting the Relationship of Your Dreams’ recently, you’ll know what I’m talking about when I say…
Beware the ‘Dating Traps’ (sort of like ‘beware the Ides of March’!) 
Today I’ll begin to acquaint you with a central tenet from the world of conscious dating. Conscious dating is a simple paradigm – a new way of approaching dating and partner selection – where the goal is maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain, both in the short and long term. This paradigm assumes that your goal is creating a lifelong, satisfying partnership with another person. This, in itself, is something you need to get clear about BEFORE you start dating. There is nothing wrong with wanting something other than this relationship type. In fact, some of us are definitely not in a place or ‘space’ right now for dating to find a life partner. The key is in knowing yourself and being honest with others, before you involve another person’s life in yours.
But we also know from the research and from personal experience, that thriving, long term love relationships can do a heck of alot to support us and give us a high quality of life – emotionally, physically, socially, financially, etc. And, on the reverse side, chronically unhappy relationships, remarriage, serial monogamy, the inequity of not letting gays who want to marry do so – may be hurting us (and our children if we have or want them) in these ways and more, as communities and as a society.
I should also say that conscious dating is primarily a paradigm that those of us who are babyboomers and younger ‘get’. Most of our parent’s generation doesn’t hold the expectations or vision we born after 1950 or so have when it comes to personal happiness, relationships, romance and love. But the cool thing I think we do achieve as our reward, when we get relationships right, is much more frequent and higher highs and less lower lows. There is something to be said about bringing greater awareness and consciousness to our relationships.
Keeping all of the above in mind, today I’ll introduce you to two dating traps we talked about in this past week’s free* tele-discussion – attraction and love. I’ll also share with you some secrets to making sure the human experiences of attraction and love don’t become traps, so that if your ultimate goal is to find a partner you can spend the rest of your life with, you will more than likely succeed, without regrets.
What is a Dating Trap?
The best definition I’ve heard for dating trap is this: thinking you are getting steak when in reality you’re getting just sizzle! What happens when you base your choice of life partner on sizzle? Oftentimes, in the long run, you end up with more grizzle than anything else (that yucky, tough fat you usually gag on and spit out!).
Sorry if you think I am being too blunt here, but wouldn’t you rather gag a little now than gag for months later (I remember I developed that fun response after I found out my first partner was cheating on me). We call these more primitive, irrational types of responses traps because of what happens when we ‘fall’ into them. The thing you have to remember about traps is this: they are not always so obvious. Traps are usually hidden – often right under your nose, or right on the path in front of you, covered up by some grass. So remember, when you are getting out and meeting different people, everything isn’t always what it seems or appears, on the surface.
Why might a trap become so treacherous? Traps catch you up and hold you captive. And, usually, to extricate yourself from one, you have to go through alot of struggle and pain. Ouch!
When we are ‘seduced’ by one or more dating traps, we tend to ignore whether we also experience with the other person the types of authentic interactions intimating that THIS relationship holds the potential for long term satisfaction. Yes, for sure, most or all of the dating traps (at last count there are at least 15 of them), are VERY seductive, and they don’t necessarily fade with time and despite multiple reality checks. For example, how many of us still find ourselves attracted to an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, even though the relationship didn’t work for us and we had to make the painful decision to leave?
And, here’s the other part that’s tough (not the grizzly part!) – all of these traps, in small amounts, are actually normal/not a bad thing! Some of them – such as attraction and love, the two we are discussing today – are obviously necessary to a relationship’s success as well.
The key seems to be: pursuing a relationship based solely or primarily upon these dating traps to the exclusion of characteristics that help create satisfying AND enduring relationships is probably not a good idea!
What Happens When We Commit to a Relationship Dominated by One or More Dating Traps?
Dating traps tend to lead to the unresolvable problems in relationships. Traps come from making relationship choices based upon impulse, misinformation or desperation! In our desperation to be loved/coupled, we settle for packaging over substance, or for ‘togetherness at all costs’ and we compromise our true relationship requirements, needs and wants.
According to some theorists and practitioners, chronic, unresolvable relationship problems tend to lead, eventually, to a relationship’s demise. Other theorists say many relationships still thrive despite these unresolvable problems that come up again and again. What is the difference between these couples and the individuals within each? This is a topic beyond the scope of this article, but definitely one we’ll visit again in the future!
When our connection with another individual is primarily based upon one or more of these types of, for lack of a better term, ‘superficial’ or ‘external’ attractions, we may later, after we’ve made a significant investment in that relationship, discover that other, more important, characteristics and behaviors that we require, need and want in a relationship, are lacking. The result for us is frustration, unhappines and loneliness because our partner is unwilling or unable to share these behaviors and/or characteristics when he or she interacts with us.
The Attraction Trap – Making Sure ‘Chemistry’ Doesn’t Blow Up in Your Face!
The attraction trap happens when we make relationship choices based primarily on feelings of attraction. You know you are falling into the attraction trap when you interpret your strong attraction to another person as a sign that the relationship is a good choice or ‘meant to be’. Choosing to continue to date a person (or commit to him or her) because you are highly attracted to them is not enough to insure overall relationship longevity or satisfaction.
This is very similar to how we pursued romance as teenagers! The paradox is that we do need to feel chemistry, however, the problem is blindly following attraction as if that’s all you need to make a relationship work.
What’s the secret to avoiding the attraction trap? Balancing your attractions with your requirements and following the four steps of conscious dating. People who have great relationships will often tell you that the people they were initially attracted to were the wrong ones for them! Don’t ignore the excitement you are feeling when you are dating this person, but use your feelings of attraction as information that you need to ‘check out’ further. You need to stop and ask yourself why you are attracted to this person. Unconscious relationship choices based solely on attraction usually don’t work out in the long run.
The Love Trap – Perhaps THE MOST Seductive of All The Dating Traps?
When we are falling under the spell of the love trap, we interpret feelings of infatuation, attraction, need, good sex and/or emotional attachment as love. This is a biggie! All of us want to ‘love and be loved’. The ultimate truth that is really hard to swallow about love is this:
Love truly is blind and not enough to meet your requirements and needs.
Love becomes a trap when you believe that because you feel love for your partner (and even if your partner feels love for you), everything else will work out. If you are a romantic, you are especially vulnerable to this trap. Romantics usually believe ‘if it feels good it must be love’, ‘love is all you need’ or ‘love conquers all’.
However, as I said above, time has shown us that feelings of love are NOT enough to create lasting, satisfying relationships.
So, having burst this bubble, what can you do to avoid the love trap? You need to become a pro at ‘screening’ the individuals you are dating. You need to know what your requirements are and look for ‘red flags’ when they come up in the course of interacting with those you are dating. And, lastly, you need to use a ‘pre-commitment period’ to make sure the relationship works for you BEFORE you make a commitment.
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The conscious dating paradigm can be a great source of support for you as you date and works great for those of us who do have the goal of…
creating a lifelong, deeply satisfying relationship with another human being, but have been ultimately unsuccessful so far because we’ve chosen a partner who didn’t look at life and relationships in a similar way
I like the conscious dating paradigm as well because it…
- Is very similar to the concept of ‘emotional intelligence’ which has loads of research support, is immensely popular and is practiced all over the world
- Really supports trusting individuals who approach life honestly and openly. People who approach life in this manner are sometimes too kind and have often chosen partners who have exploited that kindness. This program gives the single person some very important types of support that can help them steer clear of people who aren’t right for them and help them develop the patience and courage it takes to hold out for someone who is equally kind.
- Works well for those who’ve had some psychotherapy and/or personal growth work and are looking for support being accountable to themselves.
- Works well for those who believe they are hopeless romantics and those in recovery from love or relationship addiction.
- Works best for individuals who are willing to learn about themselves and receive support from others.
If what I’ve just said resonates with you (or you know someone this resonates with), you might want to check out Coach Sappho’s Programs for Singles. Click here to learn more about the Programs.
If you’d like to learn more about the dating traps, I lead a free* tele-discussion every week that explores two of the traps and their solutions called ‘Discover the Secrets to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams’. Click here to learn more about this fun, very informative tele-class. This page also provides information to sign up for the calls.
Click here for a schedule of upcoming tele-discussions and dating traps to be explored.
Coach Sappho’s programs for singles are based largely upon the teachings of my mentor coach David Steele, who founded and runs the Relationship Coaching Institute. Click here to learn more about his new book, "Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World."
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II. Spicy conversations happening on Heart-to-Heart, Barb Elgin’s relationship blog Did you know I’ve got a blog focusing solely on relationships? It’s called ‘Heart-to-Heart’ and right now it does focus on the concerns of single men and women. Do you like the name? I’m open to experimenting with other names, so if you have one you think better represents what I am doing, let me know. Be sure to stop by the blog and leave some comments to recent posts! For example, I’m surveying folks about which dating websites they like (and why) and the pros and cons of being single! And, as always, please tell me what you want me to write about. The blog is for YOU, the reader, so help me make it what you want it to be! There is an opportunity here for you to talk to a coach and members of your community all over the world about relationships – the joys, the sorrows, the mysteries – and how to learn from the past, as well as what you are experiencing now so you can ‘do’ them better in the future! Click here to go to the blog now. And, don’t forget to bookmark the page. ————————————————– III. WANT TO GIVE COACHING A TRY? Paula Gregorowicz’ drastically reduced ‘Spring Cleaning’ coaching sessions make it a no-brainer. If you’ve never used the services of a coach before, I would encourage you to take advantage of a very low cost, high value way of checking it out. My colleague, Paula Gregorowicz, is offering very inexpensive coaching strategy sessions during April she’s calling… Spring Cleaning – It’s Not Just for Your Closets! Could your life or business use a little spring cleaning too? This April and May, I am offering one hour personal strategy sessions for – more energy, – less clutter and overwhelm, and – more time for the things that matter most to you. These sessions normally cost $100. To take advantage of this limited time offer, e-mail me at
$25. The benefits of a good spring cleaning will be:
paula@thepaulagcompany.com or call 215-450-2549 to reserve your spot. Spaces
are limited to Monday evenings at 7pm and Thursdays at 5pm and are expected
to fill up fast. (Note: All times EST)
P.S. Feel Free to Share with Any Friends Who Might Like a Spring Cleaning
Too!
Please consider giving yourself the gift of coaching with Paula. And let her know Coach Sappho sent you!
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*You are responsible for any long distance fees your long distance carrier charges for calling into the
conference. If you are looking for a low cost long distance carrier, be sure to contact your current
carrier and/or research what is available on the internet.
© Copyright 2006, Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW-C/BE A Success Enterprises, LLC/CoachSappho®. All rights reserved – Feel free to post this article, in it’s entirety, with author’s name and copyright intact, to your newsletter or ezine or forward it to anyone you think would benefit. Barb Elgin (Coach Sappho) is a relationship and business coach, author and inspirational/motivational speaker who specializes in working with single GLBT’s and allies. You can learn more about her by visiting her website http://www.coachsappho.com, calling her at 866-396-BARB or emailing her at barb@barbelgin.com. Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only. The author is not responsible for any actions the reader takes as a result of reading this article.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is a lesbian dating and relationship expert and matchmaker.
